Permission to Want: Unlearning the Fear of Desire

When was the last time you let yourself really want something—without judgment, guilt, or justification?

I mean truly want it. Not the careful, measured wanting that comes after you've checked all the boxes of gratitude and responsibility. Not the wanting that you've dressed up in practical reasons or justified with how it might benefit others. Just pure, honest desire.

If you're struggling to answer that question, you're not alone. Many of us, especially women, have learned to fear our own wanting. We've been taught that desire is dangerous, selfish, or somehow evidence of our inadequacy. But what if everything we've been told about wanting is wrong?

The "Good Girl" Conditioning

Most of us grew up absorbing messages about what made us lovable, acceptable, worthy of praise. These messages often centered around being accommodating, selfless, and pleasing to others. We learned that good girls don't ask for too much. Good girls are grateful for what they have. Good girls put others first.

The messages came from everywhere—family, school, media, society at large. "Be grateful for what you have." "Don't be too much." "Ambition is unattractive." "Wanting more means you're selfish." These weren't usually spoken directly, but we absorbed them through countless small interactions, corrections, and observations about what behavior earned approval and what didn't.

These messages taught us to associate our natural desires with being demanding, ungrateful, or somehow flawed or broken. We learned to apologize for taking up space, to downplay our achievements, and to constantly consider others' needs before even acknowledging our own.

The Cost of Silenced Desire

When we consistently suppress our authentic desires, the consequences show up everywhere in our lives.

Emotionally, we might experience chronic restlessness—that nagging sense that something is missing, even when our lives look good on paper. We might feel resentment building toward others who seem to easily pursue what they want. Burnout becomes common when we're constantly giving from an empty cup. And underneath it all, there's often a persistent sense of emptiness, as if we're living someone else's life.

Behaviorally, we find ourselves people-pleasing, saying yes when want to say no, and over-functioning in relationships and work. We might numb ourselves with busyness, shopping, or endless scrolling to avoid sitting with the uncomfortable truth of what we actually want. We chase external validation because we've lost touch with our own internal compass.

I think of Maya, a client who came to me after achieving everything she thought she was supposed to want—the successful career, the beautiful home, the perfect family. On paper, her life was enviable. But she felt hollow inside, going through the motions of a life that felt more like a performance than an authentic expression of who she was.

"I've been so busy being who everyone needed me to be," she told me, "that I don't even know who I actually am anymore." It wasn't until she gave herself permission to explore what she truly wanted—not what she thought she should want, not what others expected her to want, but what genuinely called to her—that she began to feel alive again.

Desire as Your Inner Compass

What if desire isn't a character flaw to manage but wisdom to honor? What if your wanting isn't evidence of inadequacy but a signal pointing toward your authentic self?

Your desires are information. They tell you what energizes you, what aligns with your values, what feels true to who you're becoming. They're not random or selfish—they're expressions of your vitality, your unique perspective, your particular way of engaging with the world.

When we reframe desire this way, everything changes. Instead of seeing our wants as problems to solve or suppress, we can view them as a compass guiding us toward a more aligned life. Instead of judging ourselves for wanting more, we can get curious about what that wanting is trying to tell us.

Your desires don't make you greedy or ungrateful. They make you human. They connect you to your authentic self and point you toward what truly matters to you.

What Would You Want If You Gave Yourself Full Permission?

There's a question I often ask clients that tends to surprise them. If you could want anything without having to explain or justify those desires—even to yourself—what would come up?

Maybe it's as simple as wanting space to be alone with your thoughts. Maybe it's wanting to travel somewhere you've always dreamed of going. Maybe it's wanting to pursue a creative interest you've always dismissed as impractical. Maybe it's wanting to change careers, relationships, or living situations in ways that feel aligned with who you're becoming.

Or maybe it's something deeper—wanting to be seen and valued for who you really are, not just what you do for others. Wanting to trust your own judgment. Wanting to stop apologizing for taking up space in the world.

The specific desires matter less than the practice of acknowledging them without immediately explaining them away. What would it feel like to honor your wanting without having to justify it to anyone—including yourself?

The Predictable Fears

Of course, when we start honoring our desires, fears arise. This is completely normal and predictable.

You might fear being judged as selfish or demanding. You might worry about disrupting others' expectations or disappointing people who've grown accustomed to you prioritizing their needs over your own. You might feel guilty for wanting more when you know others have less.

These fears make sense—they're responses to years of conditioning that taught you to suppress your authentic desires. But fear doesn't mean you should stop. It just means you're unlearning old patterns and learning new ones.

You can feel afraid and still honor your desires. You can worry about others' reactions and still make choices that align with your authentic self. These aren't character flaws—they're the natural growing pains of reclaiming parts of yourself that have been silenced.

The Practice of Permission

Reclaiming your desires isn't a one-time event—it's a practice. It starts small, with tiny acts of honoring what you want.

Maybe it's saying no to something you don't want to do, even if you can't articulate a "good" reason. Maybe it's buying yourself flowers because you like them, not because it's a special occasion. Maybe it's spending an afternoon doing something purely because it brings you joy, not because it's productive or helpful to others.

It might mean creating space in your life for exploration—working with a coach, taking time for reflection, or having honest conversations with trusted friends about what you're feeling and wanting.

The key is to start where you are, without judgment about how far you have to go. Each time you honor a desire—however small—you're strengthening your connection to your authentic self and building trust in your own wisdom.

Your Desire Is Sacred

Remember those whispers we talked about? Your desires are part of that same inner wisdom. They're not selfish—they're sacred. They're not signs of inadequacy—they're signs of aliveness. They're not meant to be managed away—they're meant to be honored and explored.

You don't need permission from anyone else to want what you want. You don't need to justify your desires or make them more palatable to others. You don't need to wait until you've earned the right to want more by being grateful enough, giving enough, or achieving enough.

Your wanting is wisdom. It's your authentic self asking to be honored. It's your inner compass pointing you toward what truly matters to you.

Wanting more doesn't mean you're ungrateful. It means you're alive.

The whispers from your authentic self aren't going away. They're not meant to. They're pointing you toward a life that truly fits who you're becoming. The question isn't whether you should listen—it's whether you're ready to start trusting what you hear.

I currently have openings in my coaching practice for women ready to explore their authentic desires and create lives that truly align with who they're becoming. Curious to learn more? A free Discovery Call is available to see if the fit feels right.